AP (St. Petersburg): The court martial of the Russian Admiral whose alleged dereliction of duty cost Russia Sweden was held today. A transcript of the proceedings:

Prosecutor: "Isn't it true...that you are well-known to drink copious amounts of vodka!"
Admiral: "I am a Russian man...drinking copious amounts of vodka is a requirement of being Russian man."
Prosecutor: "Isn't it true you have many mistresses!"
Admiral: "This is a bad thing?"
Prosecutor: "Isn't it true you bribed your way into becoming admiral!"
Admiral: "Is there any other way?"
Prosecutor: "And you have no qualifications to be admiral."
Admiral: "Not true. I recreate many naval battles...in my bathtub."
Prosecutor: "And because of these reasons you were derelict in ordering the Greater Northern Fleet out to sea in a timely manner due to your being drunk and sleeping it off at a residence of a mistress."
Admiral: "Not true. My captains know where all of my girlfriends live so they can find me. And I am perfectly capable of commanding the fleet roaring drunk. The problem was..Tsar Ryanovich failed to give the order.

Screams and gasps are heard in the courtroom...

Prosecutor: "You dare...to accuse Tsar Ryanovich of imperfection! You sir...are an ingrate! Judge?
Judge: "Guilty! The sentence is death. To be carried out..forthwith!"
Admiral: "Might I protest...at the lack of fairness in these proceedings?"